Watching Tiger Woods making his public statement about his recent marriage problems and his infidelity, and how his entering a rehabilitation center has been helping him overcome his personal weaknesses, I suddenly had a revelation that has changed my life, and one that I’m sure can help many other men.
I’m not a dirty old man after all. I’m not a horny guy trying to get laid. No, I’m a sick person trying to get better! It’s not my fault! I need therapy.
I didn’t mean to stare at that cute cowgirls’ firm little butt in her tight blue jeans, but it’s a sickness man, what can I do? I didn’t run my van off the road twisting around to look at that college coed in the halter top, I had a seizure. I wasn’t ogling that woman in the low cut blouse, I was just suffering a relapse. This explains why I have a thing for tall, well stacked blondes. My Daddy always said to set high goals for myself and to climb every mountain. Thank you Tiger, it all makes perfectly good sense to me now!
Apparently I have suffered with this affliction ever since puberty. My high school algebra teacher told me I was stupid, but as it turns out, even then I was dealing with this terrible handicap. I remember that when that redhead in the tight angora sweater slipped into the desk next to me, my mind just wouldn’t allow me to count higher than two divided by 36C. It makes you wonder what kind of man I could have turned out to be, and what I could have accomplished, if only I had been diagnosed and received treatment at a younger age, doesn’t it?
Fortunately for Tiger and myself, we both have good women who are standing by their men, and who intend to help us walk this long road to recovery. Once I explained all of this to Miss Terry, she was very understanding and supportive. She says if I don’t keep my eyes to myself, I will need therapy. Physical therapy! Damn, I think I’m cured already! It’s a miracle!
This whole celebrity sex thing, with the recurring scandals that we keep learning about, has helped shape my life. A lot of you blog readers have suggested that Bad Nick should be President. But you’re not the first folks to come up with that idea. My Meemaw always wanted me to grow up and become President too. But the Clinton scandal convinced me that I just don’t have the sex drive for the job. And if I can’t handle one chubby intern, how the heck do you expect me to screw an entire country? A good man knows his limitations.
Tags: blog readers, celebrity sex scandal, Clinton sex scandal, college coed, diagnosed and received treatment, dirty old man, handicap, high school algebra, infidelity, marriage problems, Physical therapy, rehabilitation center, relapse, seizure, set high goals, sex drive, sex scandal, Tiger Woods sex scandal