Watching Tiger Woods making his public statement about his recent marriage problems and his infidelity, and how his entering a rehabilitation center has been helping him overcome his personal weaknesses, I suddenly had a revelation that has changed my life, and one that I’m sure can help many other men.

I’m not a dirty old man after all. I’m not a horny guy trying to get laid. No, I’m a sick person trying to get better! It’s not my fault! I need therapy.

I didn’t mean to stare at that cute cowgirls’ firm little butt in her tight blue jeans, but it’s a sickness man, what can I do? I didn’t run my van off the road twisting around to look at that college coed in the halter top, I had a seizure. I wasn’t ogling that woman in the low cut blouse, I was just suffering a relapse. This explains why I have a thing for tall, well stacked blondes. My Daddy always said to set high goals for myself and to climb every mountain. Thank you Tiger, it all makes perfectly good sense to me now!

Apparently I have suffered with this affliction ever since puberty. My high school algebra teacher told me I was stupid, but as it turns out, even then I was dealing with this terrible handicap. I remember that when that redhead in the tight angora sweater slipped into the desk next to me, my mind just wouldn’t allow me to count higher than two divided by 36C. It makes you wonder what kind of man I could have turned out to be, and what I could have accomplished, if only I had been diagnosed and received treatment at a younger age, doesn’t it?

Fortunately for Tiger and myself, we both have good women who are standing by their men, and who intend to help us walk this long road to recovery. Once I explained all of this to Miss Terry, she was very understanding and supportive. She says if I don’t keep my eyes to myself, I will need therapy. Physical therapy! Damn, I think I’m cured already! It’s a miracle!

This whole celebrity sex thing, with the recurring scandals that we keep learning about, has helped shape my life. A lot of you blog readers have suggested that Bad Nick should be President. But you’re not the first folks to come up with that idea. My Meemaw always wanted me to grow up and become President too. But the Clinton scandal convinced me that I just don’t have the sex drive for the job. And if I can’t handle one chubby intern, how the heck do you expect me to screw an entire country? A good man knows his limitations.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

22 Comments on I Need Therapy

  1. Martin says:

    FUNNY!!!

  2. Darrell says:

    That Miss Terry is a great therapist – we need a whole lot more like her!!!

  3. Nick, you’ve hit it on the head! Yay! I guess we all have our handicaps and need therapy.

  4. Dennise says:

    When the tv stations interrupt regular programming to let it’s viewers watch this trash…and then run a streaming message for the viewers to text them in a poll to vote for whether they think the guy is “apologetic” or he is lying is way outta bounds. With all the things going on in the world ALL major network news show LEAD in with this crap…is it really an obsession of the head honchos, or US the viewers? I say it is the networks. All of ’em. Why oh why are we dumbing down America with this kinda trash?

    If I had only air channels and not Satellite where I can watch Discovery, History or Food Channels, I would have been in the looney bin. You know, where the retards are…now you know I am using this as SATIRE, RIGHT!

    Please forgive me for my thoughlessness about my last statement. I think I need therapy…

  5. Jesse Haman says:

    So, transgressions are OK cause it is a medical condition. I think I am going to ask for a kitchen pass this weekend. I feel a bout coming on.

  6. Doug says:

    This kind of programing is on TV because people watch it. The ratings are sky high. This is why stations will run special storm coverage all day long. It gets higher ratings than anything else they have on TV.

  7. Bill Auld says:

    I am curious why males have the hormone called testosterone.

  8. This entire Tiger Woods scenario has been transformed into one big publicity stunt. It’s pathetic and he should be ashamed of himself. His speech was fake and sickening. And good ol’ Nike was front and center – right where it matters $$$$. :( Sad.

  9. nona says:

    what we need is too stay out of every ones busness,and take care of our own.what tiger has done is no different ,than a lot of men and women,and should have nothing to do with his golfing ablity.

  10. Al Hays says:

    A completely managed and choreographed effort to retain fans and sponsors. Apologies were ingenuine and delivered with all the emotion of a speech he had practiced ad nauseum.

    I especially liked the one sniffle at the end of the speech. Maybe he could be an actor like Arnold. Give me a break.

    This guy cares no more about his family than he cares about the price of a jug of milk. He should change his name to some other cat, maybe lion woods or cheetah woods.

  11. Dave C. says:

    I’m thankful that I don’t need therapy. I have a blood pressure problem. I have two areas of my body that need proper pressure in order to function.
    Unfortunately, I have only enough pressure to run one at a time!

  12. Jim Weise says:

    Tiger who? Try turning off the TV when the garbage is on.

  13. Susan Wilson says:

    Lion Woods? Cheetah Woods? I love it!

  14. Mandy says:

    You all are missing the point of this post! It is funny!!!! Yes, Tiger is a pig, but Bad Nick has spun the BS into pure gold!

  15. Joe Miller says:

    Man, you are one sick puppy! I love it! Nick I wish I had your ability to make people laugh and make them think at the same time!

  16. Oliver says:

    Darn it Bad Nick, where were you 20 years and three divorces ago???? I didn’t need all those lawyers, I just needed a good therapist!!!! Thanks for the laughs.

  17. Suzanne Dahiem says:

    What a way to start my day! You had me laughing so hard I almost peed my pants! Nick, why aren’t you nationally syndicated? The entire world needs to enjoy your wit and wisdom.

  18. Cal Hall says:

    You sure make my day sometimes. I believe my Nancy would make a great Therapist too.

  19. Tom Doyle says:

    I can remember a president, not to long ago, who would pray for this type of scandal to take the attention off his own stupidity.

  20. Cheryl says:

    I still haven’t figured out why his apology was a public one. He doesn’t owe me an apology for anything except making me miss the full recipe on Rachel Rae—–and that was because he was apologizing to me—-for what? The kids nowadays say “talk to the hand.” Well my grandson told me a new one which expresses my feeling towards Mr. Woods “Talk to the booty ’cause the hands off duty.” His public apology falls under the category of too much information.

  21. Sam Weibel says:

    Nick, This is great my pretty bride always told me if I ever strayed she would be waiting when I came home with a rusty razor blade and a bottle of rubbing alcohol to use as an antiseptic after the offender was surgically removed. Been faithfull to this day.

  22. You go Miss Terry!! What a great therapist :)

    Great article Bad Nick!

Leave a Reply