I’m gonna be rich! After a lifetime of hard work, starting several small businesses, feeding the occasional slot machine, and buying hundreds of lottery tickets over the years, I have finally found the secret to instant wealth! Yeah, I know, it took me 57 years to become an overnight success, but who cares? I’m gonna be rich!
I could have been rolling in riches a long time ago, but for my dear, departed mother. Mom was a great lady, and no kid could have wanted more than the love she gave to all of her children. Unfortunately, although she meant well, Mom tied my hands at an early age. As much as I loved her, I blame Mom for the relative poverty I have lived in all of my life.
It wasn’t until my recent financial epiphany that I realized that while she knew a lot about things like feeding a family and teaching us to wash behind our ears, and to always wear clean underwear in case we got into an accident, Mom was a babe in the woods when it came to money.
You see, as gentle as her loving hands were, my mother insisted on good manners, and those same hands never hesitated to whack an errant young butt if it were attached to one of her children who showed any rudeness to anybody, adult or child alike. I was raised to say please and thank you, to hold doors for others, and to be respectful to adults, ladies, teachers, and policemen. While that makes for good citizens, it has held me back financially.
You see, until last week, I never knew that being a rude jerk was the key to easy money. It is if you live in Kansas anyway.
A man by the name of Scott Schaper recently was awarded $4,000 in a settlement with the city of Olathe after Schaper was given a ticket for disorderly conduct by an Olathe police officer.
According to news reports, Schaper was originally ticketed for running a stop sign. Then, when he flipped off the officer in response, he got the disorderly conduct ticket. Schaper reportedly reacted angrily because the traffic stop made his children cry.
As part of the settlement with the city, Olathe must also pay $1,000 to the American Civil Liberties Union of Kansas and Western Missouri. The settlement also requires Olathe police officers to receive training to accept such verbal abuse.
Can you believe it? All this time, my good manners have been costing me money! From now on I’m going to flip off every cop I see, and I won’t hesitate to yell “Pig” every chance I get. I many just start breaking traffic laws to give myself more opportunities to interact with the police, so I can treat them like crap and get paid for it! It’s obviously a numbers game, and the more you act like a clod, the more you stand to earn. Hell, I may even moon a nun if I get the chance! That ought to be worth big bucks!
I course, there’s a downside to all of this. I won’t be able to spend my money on fancy sports cars like I’d love to. Instead, I will need to have a custom car made that I can drive standing up. Because if I ever acted like that to anybody, even now, I’m pretty sure my mom would come out of her grave and bust my ass!
Tags: American Civil Liberties Union, breaking traffic laws, easy money, fancy sports cars, feeding a family, financial epiphany, gambling, good manners, lottery tickets, money, Olathe Kansas, Olathe police officer, overnight success, policemen, poverty, rich, rudeness, secret to instant wealth, slot machine, small businesses, verbal abuse