The absolutely stupid antics of the criminal element among us gives me so much fodder for the Dumb A$$ Report that I’ll never run out of material. Here are a few that had me shaking my head and wondering how much chlorine it would take to clean up the gene pool:
In Lincoln, Nebraska, a man robbed a convenience store on a recent Saturday night, after first wrapping his head in toilet paper. What, you couldn’t borrow your girlfriend’s panty hose and dress up like a respectable thief? Is there no pride or dignity left any more?
Also in Lincoln, police arrested 21 year old Anna Godfrey for felony assault after she allegedly became enraged when a 24 year old man at a party she was attending called her fat. Police said Godfrey tackled the man, threw him to the floor and bit off a chunk of his ear. The missing piece of ear was not recovered. Maybe Godfrey is of the “why waste it when you can taste it” school of thought? Hey fellow, you need to put some toilet paper on that cut!
I’ve heard it said that a true friend will come down and bail you out of jail at two o’clock in the morning. So I guess we have to consider Yancy Terrell Cochran, of Davenport, Iowa a true friend. Not necessarily a smart friend, but still a true one. According to police, Cochran went to the Scott County Courthouse in Davenport on April 21 to bail a friend out of jail. After he handed the court clerk the $300 bail money in $50 bills, she marked the bills with a special pen that detects counterfeit money, and sure enough, Cochran had handed her three phony bills. Police arrested Cochran after he confessed to making the money with his home computer and scanner. He was charged with forgery, a felony that is punishable by up to five years in prison. His friend remained in jail, but at least now he has someone to keep him company.
In Memphis, Tennessee, a woman reported her 28 year old son to police after she woke up and caught him stealing Xanax pills from inside her bra. She told officers that she hid the prescription sedatives there to keep her son from stealing them. He was arrested after police found him hiding underneath a neighbor’s car. That’s just wrong in so many ways that I can’t even begin to list them.
In Riverton, Wyoming, police said it wasn’t hard to catch Jason Antelope after he allegedly stole a bottle of Schnapps from a Safeway store. The thief grabbed the booze and ran out of the store and into a nearby building to hide. That building was the Riverton police station. Antelope, who already had an outstanding warrant for his arrest, was also charged with shoplifting and resisting arrest. Police said tests showed his blood-alcohol level was .298. And that’s a surprise because….?
Alcohol seems to be responsible for a lot of Dumb A$$ Reports. Take for instance 61 year old Dana Seaman, who was stopped by Florida police who noticed his car swerving down the road. Police said when they told him they wanted him to take a field sobriety test, Seaman first took a last drink to polish off his booze before he agreed to comply. He was charged with DUI.
The United States doesn’t have a monopoly on Dumb A$$ folks though. Proof in part is the chap in England who had to be rescued after his boat ran out of fuel. The silly sailor told a member of the local lifeboat station that he lost his bearings while attempting to travel down the coast from Gillingham to Southampton. Since he had no nautical maps, and only a road map for directions, he thought that if he just kept the coastline in sight he would be okay. However, all he managed to do was circle a small island in the River Thames repeatedly, until he ran out of fuel and ran aground.
Tags: armed robbery, convenience store, counterfeit money, criminal element, Davenport Iowa, DUI arrest, felony, felony assault, field sobriety test, forgery, home computer and scanner, jail, Lincoln, Lincoln Nebraska, Memphis Tennessee, police, police station, prison, resisting arrest, Riverton Wyoming, Scott County Courthouse, shoplifting, thief, Xanax prescription sedatives