Humorist Will Rogers used to say that he didn’t have to make up his material, because he found plenty to talk about just by reading the newspaper.

I agree, because every time I open a newspaper or read the different internet news pages, I find something that makes me ask “What the hell is that all about?”Consider the news story this past week out of Danvers, Massachusetts, where police said a man cleaning a commercial sausage machine was sucked into the giant apparatus, with his head and shoulders becoming lodged inside. Fortunately, rescue workers were able to free him, and he was taken to a hospital, where he showed no obvious signs of trauma. Doesn’t that sound like a bad sit-com episode?

Or how about the sicko(s) in North Pole, Alaska, who decapitated 26 chickens and lined their carcasses up in a circle, then made off with the heads. Who knows what makes some people tick?

Then we have Amanda McBride, who was driving to the hospital this week because she was in labor. When she realized that she was not going to make it, Amanda didn’t bother pulling onto the shoulder of the highway. Instead, she shoved her seat back, pulled down her pants, and sped on down the highway, giving birth at 70 miles per hour. I had sex education class in school, as well as drivers ed, but who knew you could combine the two in the real world?

I know that dealing with the public can be a hassle, but maybe the union that represents bus drivers in New York City is taking things a little bit too far. Last year, 51 bus drivers took an average of 64 paid days off because they were traumatized when riders spit on them. One driver took 191 days of paid leave to “recover.” Now, I think it’s pretty disgusting to be spat upon, but let’s be real here. I drool all over myself every time I see a pretty girl or a classic Mustang, and nobody’s ever given me a penny.

And finally, here’s one that will make you feel good about airline security. A woman passenger fell asleep on her flight from Washington, DC to Philadelphia Thursday, and when the plane landed, the rest of the passengers and the flight crew all left the aircraft and never noticed her. Four hours later a cleaning crew discovered the Sleeping Beauty and woke her up. I wonder if she got any extra frequent flyer miles for that?

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6 Comments on You Can’t Make This Stuff Up!

  1. Martin says:

    The airline Sleeping Beauty is now suing the airline for negligence and personal trauma for not waking her dumb ass. Go figure -well I guess it gives a starving attorney work.

    Maybe she should try the sausage machine.

  2. Connie Braidh says:

    So much for airline security. Can you imagine what she could have done in that 4 hours if she were a terrorist? And I have to take my shoes off and prove I don’t have exploding feet. Sigh!!!!!!

  3. Elaine says:

    It seems that some people leave their brains at home or forget how to use them. The sausage guy didn’t know of an on-off switch, and the bigger idiot Mrs McBride never heard of a cell phone or 911 bet she named her baby Speedy.

  4. Stu McNicol says:

    It’s folks like these that kept me employed. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups”

  5. ken t says:

    No one noted that the sleeping woman on the aircraft,had aprox.
    12 hrs.delay at two diff.airports and that she had started her flight at 6 am .I can feel her pain,as myself and two elderly
    women were left on a plane and the crew disembarked and shut down
    the lights and a/c. when we told the last crew member that we
    were booked to New Orleans with only a short stop in Chicago,she
    said tough sh$$, this flight is over! seams they were on strike.
    No connections with anyone to get us to New O. We had to fend for ourselves. I had people meeting me in N.O.that had driven
    close to 1 hr. Northwestern even closed N.O.service.This was before cell phones and I was not able to contact anyone! I don’t
    blame this woman,I hope she sues the sh$$ out of them someone
    should have checked the aircraft For stragelers , what if an old fart who couldn’t make it off without help was locked on the a/c
    Believe me they close and lock it up when they leave!Ken T

  6. Deb says:

    I don’t know Nick…who doesn’t wake up when the aiplane touches down with a jolt? Maybe someone used to earthquakes? Also look for a new group M.A.D.W.B. (Mothers Against Driving While Birthing) and a new law against giving birth wile driving!

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