Humorist Will Rogers used to say that he didn’t have to make up his material, because he found plenty to talk about just by reading the newspaper.
I agree, because every time I open a newspaper or read the different internet news pages, I find something that makes me ask “What the hell is that all about?”Consider the news story this past week out of Danvers, Massachusetts, where police said a man cleaning a commercial sausage machine was sucked into the giant apparatus, with his head and shoulders becoming lodged inside. Fortunately, rescue workers were able to free him, and he was taken to a hospital, where he showed no obvious signs of trauma. Doesn’t that sound like a bad sit-com episode?
Or how about the sicko(s) in North Pole, Alaska, who decapitated 26 chickens and lined their carcasses up in a circle, then made off with the heads. Who knows what makes some people tick?
Then we have Amanda McBride, who was driving to the hospital this week because she was in labor. When she realized that she was not going to make it, Amanda didn’t bother pulling onto the shoulder of the highway. Instead, she shoved her seat back, pulled down her pants, and sped on down the highway, giving birth at 70 miles per hour. I had sex education class in school, as well as drivers ed, but who knew you could combine the two in the real world?
I know that dealing with the public can be a hassle, but maybe the union that represents bus drivers in New York City is taking things a little bit too far. Last year, 51 bus drivers took an average of 64 paid days off because they were traumatized when riders spit on them. One driver took 191 days of paid leave to “recover.” Now, I think it’s pretty disgusting to be spat upon, but let’s be real here. I drool all over myself every time I see a pretty girl or a classic Mustang, and nobody’s ever given me a penny.
And finally, here’s one that will make you feel good about airline security. A woman passenger fell asleep on her flight from Washington, DC to Philadelphia Thursday, and when the plane landed, the rest of the passengers and the flight crew all left the aircraft and never noticed her. Four hours later a cleaning crew discovered the Sleeping Beauty and woke her up. I wonder if she got any extra frequent flyer miles for that?
Tags: airline security, animal mutilations, bus drivers, Danvers Massachusetts, Humorist Will Rogers, internet news pages, New York City, newspapers, North Pole Alaska, odd news stories, Philadelphia, Washington D.C.