I think Shakespeare had it right when he wrote “the first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” We might all be a lot better off. Every time I turn on the TV, some ambulance chaser is urging me to sue somebody for something.
I mean, really, is it McDonald’s fault that I’m so fat? Did that goofy clown hold a gun on me and force me to eat that double order of French fries? If I stick a hot cup of coffee between my legs and spill it while I’m driving down the road texting, is Starbucks responsible for my burned willy?
I don’t think so, but a legion of legal beagles would disagree. I once tripped over my own shoelace while running across a parking lot in the pouring rain, trying to get into a restaurant. Before I could pick myself up and get inside, an attorney who was dining there and saw the episode was sticking a business card in my face and loudly telling the restaurant owner that he was my representative and that I was obviously injured due to his lack of concern for his customers’ safety. I told him I fell due to my own clumsiness, and the only injury I had suffered was to my ego, but he wouldn’t hear any of that nonsense. Somebody had to pay! I finally had to tell him about the injuries he was about to suffer to get him to back off.
These shysters are everywhere, and these days justice has less to do with reality and more to do with who has the deepest pockets, and how far we can reach into them.
Consider the case of illegal immigrant Cecil Harvey, from Barbados. Harvey was arrested over and over again for a series of crimes, and eventually deported. But when some sleazy lawyer sued the City of New York on Harvey’s behalf, because it was determined that he had been in jail for about a month longer than the law permitted, the case was settled out of court for $145,000. Now that’s a nice going away gift, isn’t it?
Or how about George Black, who was playing softball when the sun blinded him while attempting to catch a ball. It hit him in the face, breaking his glasses and causing an injury to his eye. Black sued the owner of the field where the game was played, because there was no kind of shade to block the sun. Why do the courts even accept cases like this?
Then we have Melanie Shaker, who is suing a Chicago hair salon. Not because of a bad haircut, or a bad dye job. No, after dinner and drinks at a nearby restaurant, Ms. Shaker got into an argument with her husband on the sidewalk outside of the salon, and while attempting to kick him, she fell through the plate glass window and suffered cuts on her arm, back, and feet. Her lawsuit claims that the salon was negligent in not having safety glass in case of an accident like hers, since the sidewalk is “frequently traveled by intoxicated pedestrians.” Apparently hoping for a “two-fer,” Shaker is also reported to be suing the hospital where her injuries were treated, claiming that an employee stole her jewelry and Blackberry phone.
Jo Ann Fonzone, who has a law degree from Western State University in Fullerton, California, has filed nearly two dozen lawsuits against people like MTV’s Judy McGrath and Hollywood executive Cary Woods, both of whom she has accused of identity theft. Fonzone has also filed multiple lawsuits over the last four years in her effort to divorce rock singer David Lee Roth, in spite of the fact that there is no proof that they were ever married, or have even met.
Of course, some judges are just as bad as lawyers. In fact, most of them used to be lawyers! So is it poetic justice that a drunk driver recently crashed into the car of a retired Maryland judge who released him on charges of DUI back in 1998, even after he had been arrested on drunk driving charges twice in just three months and pled guilty?
Tags: ambulance chasers, attorney, City of New York, criminal, David Lee Roth lawsuit, deported, drunken driving, DUI, frivolous lawsuits, illegal immigrant, intoxicated pedestrians, jail, judges, law degree, lawsuit, lawyers, sleazy lawyer, Western State University