I love watching stand up comedy, there are a few television sitcoms that I get a chuckle out of, and occasionally if I dig deep enough through all of the forwarded junk that clogs my e-mail inbox, I come across a joke that makes my day. But when I really want to laugh, I just watch the nightly news or read any of the several online news sources I have bookmarked on my computer. Real life really is stranger than fiction, and there is some stuff that you you just can’t make up!

For instance, in a news story about weird things that happened in Florida in 2010, it was reported that during a search resulting from a traffic stop, police discovered bags of marijuana and crack cocaine hidden between a man’s butt cheeks. He admitted that the pot was his, but claimed he had no idea how the crack got into his crack.

Family values came into question when a Florida mother and her 23-year-old son were charged in a prostitution sting, after the son gave his mother a ride to a town 60 miles away so she could meet a man who was going to pay her for sex.

More family values – identical twins learned that their fingerprints weren’t identical when one took the other’s place at a Tampa court appearance. Who knew?

Yeah, I know I’m sick and twisted, but I still had to laugh when I heard about a family who buried a relative at sea, and his body washed up on a Fort Lauderdale beach. “Mommy, Uncle Fred’s back!”

Whatever happened to true romance? A Gainesville man called the police to complain that a hooker he had picked up robbed him after he refused to pay for sex because she had bad teeth.

Also in Florida, a man was run over by his own pickup truck after he left it running and his dog jumped inside and knocked it into gear. That pretty much puts that whole “man’s best friend” thing to rest, doesn’t it?

In Melbourne, Florida a street was blocked off by police for three hours before the bomb squad determined that the flashing object discovered in the middle of the road was a restaurant pager.

A female criminal defense attorney from Miami wasn’t going to be kept from a meeting with her client. When her underwire bra set off the jail’s metal detector, she took it off. Then the guards refused to allow her in because the jail’s visitor dress code prohibited braless women. What’s a girl to do?

But Florida doesn’t have a monopoly on dumb stories by any shot. In Iowa, a drunk driver called police on his cell phone to tell them he suspected he was too inebriated to be driving. Police pulled him over, agreed, and arrested him.

In Kimberly, Wisconsin, authorities wanted to hold a special ceremony when they opened a time capsule buried 100 years ago. The only problem is that nobody is alive who can remember where the darned thing was buried! Yeah, I know, but remember, they drink a lot of beer up there!

In Sacramento, California, a taxicab customer may have been a jerk, even a dangerous jerk. But nobody can say he didn’t have the holiday spirit. After getting into an argument with the cab driver, the passenger pulled a knife to make his point. The frightened driver jumped out of the cab and ran away. When he returned with police, the passenger was gone, but he left the cab fare and a tip on the dashboard before he left.

In Illinois, a couple learned that their 22 year union was void, because the wife’s first marriage had never officially ended, due to a clerical error when the divorce papers were filed. It took several months to locate her long ago ex and get that sorted out, but they finally did, only to learn that they still couldn’t get legally married for another five years, because they are first cousins, and in Illinois first cousins cannot marry unless they are over age 50. (I wonder if they’re from southern Illinois?)

Here’s a cougar of a different sort. A 70 year old Minnesota woman asked her landlady’s 26 year old son to drive her to the bank, and he was happy to do a good deed. But while he waited outside, the elderly lady went inside, robbed the bank, and then calmly got back in the car for the ride home. The young man had no idea he was a getaway driver until police pulled him over and arrested both of them. Fortunately, the woman admitted the driver was unaware of the crime, and he was released. (I wonder if she’ll get her security deposit back?)

And finally, in Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin, a mailman decided that one of the ladies who worked in an office on his route seemed depressed, so he hoped to cheer her up by delivering her mail naked. The woman apparently wasn’t amused, and he was arrested for lewd and lascivious behavior. Huh? Northern Wisconsin in December? Obviously this idiot has never heard of the term shrinkage!

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2 Comments on You Can’t Make This Stuff Up!

  1. Al Hays says:

    Had to laugh at the first cousins marriage problems. Reminds of the old line — if mennonites get divorced, are they still cousins?

  2. Bob Fritz says:

    I’ve been a cop for over 20 years now and can honestly say, just when you think you’ve seen it all….wait till your next shift!
    Happy New Year Nick and Terry from cold snowy MN

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