One of the new “in things” that is sweeping across the country is women and teenage girls who are taking back their virginity. I had no idea you could do that, did you?

Well, apparently, it’s true, and it’s not all that hard to do. These days, women are actually having surgery called hymen restoration to restore their virginity. One Florida doctor who specializes in the practice, said he performs the surgery, which typically costs several thousand dollars, about 500 times a year. Now, isn’t that a great example of how our economy works. Guys spend millions of dollars trying to eliminate virginity, while others make millions restoring it! 

But becoming a born again virgin doesn’t have to be expensive. For just $29.95, the Hymen Shop will sell you a do it yourself virginity restoration kit! I can’t wait until they start stocking these at Lowes and Home Depot!

Or, you can turn to the Society To Recapture Virginity, which claims it can undo what you’ve previously done with. Sign up today and you get an official certificate attesting to your re-found virginity, an official virgin badge, and the Virginator, a wrist band with a microchip in it that uses biorhythms to make you a virgin again while you sleep. Yeah, I’m not too sure about that one either.   

But if you’re on a budget, don’t fret. You don’t have to spend a penny to become a virgin again. As I understand it, basically all somebody has to do is decide that they are a virgin again, and voila, they are! Some do it for religious reasons, some do it so they can give the man they are going to marry the gift of their virginity, some married women become virgins again to give their husbands a surprise anniversary gift, and I suspect some do it just because they can.

One MSN story I read on the topic relates the story of a 23 year old single mother of two who decided seven years after she first did the nasty with her boyfriend that she wanted to be a virgin again. So she prayed about it, and declared herself a virgin once more. Who knew it was that easy? You just say it ain’t so, and it isn’t!

Now, I really don’t care about being a virgin again. Let’s face it, when you look like me, you want to savor every conquest you ever made! But I’d sure like to weigh 150 pounds again, and this diet thing just isn’t working out. So, I’ve decided to take back my thinness. That’s right, from now on, I’m downright skinny! I said so, so it must be true!

And while I’m at it, I’m not short any more. As of today I’m an even six feet tall. I think I’ll take back my hair too! That’s right, I am no longer bald! I can feel my beautiful bride running her fingers through my curly locks right now. Who says I’ll be 59 in October? No way! I take back my youth! From this day forward, I am a virile 23 year old.

That’s right, as of this day, I am a tall, thin, fully haired 23 year old. Now where the hell are those virgins?

Tags: , , , , , , ,

18 Comments on I Take It Back!

  1. Mitch Tekke says:

    Oh man, I got up to get ready for work (have to sign in at 5 a.m. and it’s an hour drive to Lansing. I checked to see if your blog was up and you made me spew coffee all over my laptop! I was laughing so hard I couldn’t wipe it up and woke my wife up. At first she thought I was having a cardiac. Bad Nick, you made my whole week!

  2. Rod Jurrens says:

    Too Funny!!

  3. Joe says:

    Hey Nick, when you wake up tell us how this “taking it back” stuff is working out for you.

  4. Darrell says:

    Some ask, “why?”; I ask. “Why not?” No, on second thought, I ask, “Why?”

  5. Doug H says:

    So Nick please post a Pic of the “new” you on your blog, I want to see how this works because I need to have to same thing done to me!! Wait I must have already had it done because I am that way already and here I thought I was 62 and fat!! wow amazing how that works!

  6. Elaine & Mike says:

    Great blog,what a laugh do they offer it for $19.95 plus shipping and handling?

  7. Phyllis East says:

    Oh no, please do not let every man who is overweight, bald and aging know it is this easy. BTW, I thought every man saw himself already as quite the catch!

  8. Connie Bradih says:

    Actually for $19.95 you get not one – that’s right – not one but TWO virginity kits. So when you lose you virginity next time, you are prepared and can just become a virgin again right away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. Linda in NE says:

    “Now where the hell are those virgins? ”
    Now, as I understand it, you convert to Islam, strap on a suicide bomb, and there’s 72 virgins just waiting for you in Paradise. Yeah, right. This is America and you can have just about anything you can afford, but get virginity back? Let’s just say I have serious doubts about that.

  10. Don Hankins says:

    If any of the women want me to test their new found virginity I would be happy to check her out to see if it worked. I am not a doctor but I like to play one when allowed.

  11. butterbean carpenter says:

    Howdy Nasty Nick,
    This is not ‘new’.. Women have been doing this for years, only
    lying about it..(sports injury, skating fall, horse-back riding,
    etc., etc..) But, it had to come, someone figured out how to
    make $$$$ off of it.. 500 women a year??? And you know they all
    charge it to Medicaid… I’ll bet that you can get something on or E-bay for DIY at discount prices..

  12. Roz says:

    Nick you can throw a humorous twist to anything and this was already headed that direction. I have a friend who has been subtracting a year for each birthday for a while and I plan to do that. I am also going to envision myself as growing to my ‘real height’ of 5’10’ to match my weight. A few more years and I might be able to play forward in basketball – something a girl of only 5’2″ could never do in the old split court basketball days.

  13. Pete Gray says:

    That idea is not new. I have been 39 years old for at least twenty years now.

  14. Rachel Jeffries says:

    While I see the humor in your post, and got a giggle or two out of it, the sad part of this issue is that it is one more example of how nobody has to accept responsibility for the decisions they make in life any more.

    And what a way to start a new relationship, by deceiving the man and claiming to be a virgin. When I was growing up, I was taught that honesty was the base for any relationship. I guess convenience is more important these days.

  15. T & R Martin says:

    Thanks for the humorous blog Nick. I needed that today after hearing the verdict on the “Anthony” Case. Perhaps one day you can give us input on the word “REASONABLE.” As to the virginity info, perhaps it can revive Madonna’s career. When it comes to using that theory for WEIGHT, I have been using my “Reverse Canine-ageing” theory. Yup, when every year passes, I deduct 7 years from my birthday, IT WORKS, I start kindergarten in September.

  16. T & R Martin says:

    OOps—Change the above word “WEIGHT” to “AGE.” My Bad.

  17. Steve says:

    I recall a fella down south of the border who offered me his sister. He said she was a virgin… 5 times!

  18. Norah says:

    What a hoot! I’m with you on the thin thing 😉

Leave a Reply