We’ve all seen that television commercial where somebody calls customer support and gets “Peggy,” a hairy foreigner in some Third World call center, who always answers by saying “This is Peggy.” But trust me, there are worse things than getting connected with Peggy!
My wife and I were watching television last night, when I switched to the Hallmark channel, and got a message on my TV screen saying I was experiencing partial signal loss. Then the message switched to full signal loss. I tried switching back to the previous channel, but could not get away from that same screen. I tried our bedroom TV, and it was working fine until I switched to Hallmark, and it locked on the same screen.
We have had Dish Network for years, and I am well versed in all of the easy fixes – resetting the DVR box, turning the system off and then back on, disconnecting power to the receiver. None of them worked. Damn, it’s time to call customer support and talk to Peggy.
But I was in luck! I got a tech right here in the good old USA, who ignored my explanation of what I had already done to troubleshoot the problem, and walked me through all of them again. Since none of those worked, he switched me to the next level of support, also in the USA.
While I was on hold, I pushed the Menu button and the program guide came up. I chose another channel and it went there just fine. When the new tech came on the line, I told her that, and she had me repeat the same steps as before, and again no Hallmark channel. Okay, time to go to the next level of support. That’s when things went to hell.
The third tech asked my name and the number on my account, and when I told him, he said, “No, that’s wrong.” Huh? No, that’s right. He insisted my name and phone number were wrong, and told me my account number was for William and Mary Roan. He asked if that was me, and I told him no. Then he said “Are you sure?”
I kid you not. Am I sure I am not William Roan, and that my wife is not Mary Roan. Well, I’m pretty sure, because when I was very young and very stupid, I had my name tattooed on my left arm. It actually has worked out well, I use it as secondary ID, and I figure if I ever get too drunk to find my way home, at least the cab driver will know who’s passed out in his backseat. Since I never drink, and have been a cabbie and seen what happens in those backseats, that probably will never happen.
I’m also sure my wife is not Mary Roan, because whenever I call her Mary when we’re making love, she gets mad and it ruins the whole mood. (She does the same thing if I call her Bambi or Trixie, or any of my ex-wives names, even if we are not making love!)
Well, since I wasn’t who Dish Network thought I was, they decided to go ahead and figure out the technical problem first, and then we’d work on the whole identity issue next. So we tried even more tricks to resolve the problem, and finally the tech assured me that he knew what was wrong. I had lost all of my HD channels! I asked him how that happened, and what we could do to fix it. He said “I don’t know. It’s not our problem. Call the folks who made the rooftop satellite dish on your motorhome. And thank you for being a valued Dish customer for all these years.” Yeah, I’m so darned valuable that “it’s not their problem.”
Okay, what about the whole William and Mary Roan thing? For that, they had to transfer me to security. Security seemed to be having a party, because even though the guy sort of spoke English, like as in drunk college kid English, there was so much loud music and laughing in the background that it was almost impossible to understand him.
He also wanted me to check to be sure I’m not William Roan. Nope, same old tattoo that says Nick. (Just to be sure, I slapped my wife on the rump and said “You’re looking pretty hot tonight, Mary.” I think the swelling in my eye will go down in a day or so, and the cut on my lip has almost stopped bleeding.) Nope, not William and Mary.
Well, he hemmed and hawed a while, checked my address and account number two or three times, and really didn’t know what to say. While he was doing that, just for the hell of it, I switched back to the Hallmark channel, and it works, as do all of my HD channels! Whatever was wrong seems to have fixed itself.
So today I’ll call Dish again, and see if the folks who work during the week are any smarter than those who work on the weekend, and why the first two or three techs had my name and info right, but the last one and the security people want me to be William Roan.
I have to tell you, I miss Peggy! :(