A woman in Florida made the national news last week when she reported that she had found a message from God on a Pepperidge Farm Goldfish cracker. Apparently the cracker had two odd imperfections; a cross with a circle around it on the side, and a spot that she claims is a golden crown near the head of the fish.
Who knew God had an inside track with Pepperidge Farms to arrange such a thing? The last I heard, he was setting fire to bushes. But I guess this is just further proof that people today are too lazy. Why go on a hike and deal with snakes and bugs and bushes when you can sit on the couch and eat junk food?
I’m thinking that in this day of cell phones, instant messaging, texting, tweeting, Facebook, and all that, God must have better ways to communicate than through junk food. But maybe that’s just because I’m insecure, and since I eat a lot of junk food and haven’t received any memos from him, I feel left out.
The woman in Florida who found the message reports that she eats between two and three pounds of Goldfish snack crackers every week and that she examines each one individually before eating it. Maybe the message is you have too much time on your hands, or you’re eating too damn many Goldfish. Buy a bag of Ruffles!
I saw a picture of the Goldfish in question and it was nothing like the messages I see when I eat alphabet soup. The blotch on the head she calls a crown looks like a, well, a blotch. What she calls a cross actually looks like an x to me. Almost like the head of a Phillips screw. Maybe it’s actually a message from Mackenzie Phillips. The only message I got from it was that if you eat too many Goldfish you might have weird delusions.
But then again, I could be wrong. Christians do have those little fish symbols on their cars, so there may be something to this after all.
Here’s an idea. If you’re looking for a message from God, don’t bother sorting through all the junk food in your house. Go chat with him in His house instead. I’m sure he’d appreciate the visit.